getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I will be naked everywhere
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
