Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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