Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My life is pants optional.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
