My liver just broke up with me...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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