Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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