I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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