drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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