That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
