Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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