I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
