weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
