Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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