I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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