my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
