Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
