Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
