I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
