Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
