I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
