I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Drunk is a universal language darling
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
