just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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