There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
