I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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