God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
