Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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