dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
