My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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