she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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