WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
