i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
