bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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