i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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