Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
