So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
