all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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