omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
