I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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