I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
