My balls are so social today.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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