I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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