I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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