Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
