New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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