out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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