she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Two words: blizzard sex
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
