At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
