i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
