seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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