JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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