Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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